Preface:
Writing for me has been a way to release the emotions and feelings that build up inside of myself. As I have continued to grow my business I have struggled with what parts of my personal life to share or not. The thing is my business comes from my heart. It is me behind it and what happens in my personal life shapes who I am as a person. It also shapes my business.
Something I have come to value is honesty, authenticity and realism in business. As a woman I want there to be more room in professionalism and business for our vulnerable soul to be seen. More room for people to be people, with real emotions, real challenge and real pain. Yet still accepted as strong, professional, powerful people in the business world. We need to put an end to the narrative that pain, struggle and emotions are weakness. That just because pain isn't pretty it shouldn't be talked about. We need to start sharing our pain and our struggles so that it becomes the norm. As a person who has experienced great loss in my life I know that suffering in the dark, alone and in quiet can be painful and lonely and slows the process of healing. Writing and sharing has brought me profound healing and connection to others who share experiences like mine. So for anyone who needs it, I write to heal my heart and I share to heal yours.
January 6th, 2021
A nightmare comes with this huge resolution when you wake up and realize it was just a dream.
This moment happens where you get to take a deep breath and remind your body, its okay, you are safe now. That wasn’t real.
What happens when it is real. When your desperation to wake up from something so terrible goes un answered and instead you are forced to live in a reality you cant possibly accept as real.
This is my reality right now. A spiralling mind that goes quickly between two narratives. Begging, hoping and desperately grasping at the chance that the news I just heard isn’t true. And then deep, angry, painful sorrow knowing in my body and heart that what just happened is real. Another baby is gone and I am left as an empty shell filled with only one thing. A life that couldn’t make it to be held in my arms. How do I say goodbye again to someone I haven’t even gotten the chance to hold.
RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) takes everything from you and leaves you as an empty vessel.
From the moment you find out you are pregnant your entire being fights the idea of being hopeful. To protect you from the great pain you may experience once again. With every glimmer of hope comes an instant reminder “don’t get too excited”. But just like any other mother it’s impossible not to feel the excitement within. With every positive blood test you think maybe this time. Then you see a heartbeat on the first ultrasound and think wow this might actually be it.
You cover yourself up with words of doubt to shield your vulnerable heart. This doesn’t work though. The hope you feel is real. The life you are planning for is real. All of it is real and each time you experience a loss the confusion, pain, grief and anger are that much more real. The ultrasound room becomes a place of horror not hope. Where did that heartbeat go? How was it so strong and now it is gone?
When did pregnancy turn into the most traumatizing experience of your life?
I write this and speak of my pain to make a tiny dent in this platform. You see I want to be on here and know that there is a place for this very real life I am living. A place amongst all the pregnancy announcements and newborn photos. I know I am not alone here and my heart breaks for anyone who shares this story of mine. This is in NO WAY to diminish the abundance of joy for anyone who doesn’t know this to be true to them. It is simply to hold hands and hearts with those who do. Please if you are experiencing the joy and pregnancy my pain doesn't make me any less happy for you. know that!
This is to honour our babies, their life still matters. I saw your beating heart on that screen and I felt your love. The mothers who have battled that war of hope and fear every single day of their pregnancy I see you. This is so damn real and it deserves a spot here. It deserves a moment of recognition, honour and space. It does not deserve to be kept in the darkness. I refuse to continue the narrative that because pain isn’t pretty lets not bring it up.
Hard things need to be heard. We need to get used to talking about things that tear us apart. Every time we speak about it there is the chance that another won’t feel so alone. That we wont feel so alone. I am not okay. I won’t be for a while. I am however still here. I’m choosing to write and make my words be heard. I’m choosing to be alive and offer up my experience to anyone who needs it. If you ever need someone to hold you and your baby in their heart, mine is here. It’s broken but it will heal.
I will write this and share it even though I fear the chance of it changing someone's opinion of me. My ability to be present or whole or here as a force in this world. It doesn't. I am here, I am capable and I am ready for this year and all that it brings. Sadness and grief are not unfamiliar to me. I hope one day we can all feel comfortable doing what needs to be done to heal our hearts. For you that may be a soft space on your own. For me I have realized this is my place to heal. I may not be okay now but I absolutely will be. This is me reaching my heart out in the most raw form for anyone who needs it.
As I have always said I am here to share it all, the good, the bad and the ugly painful. I cant wait to share all the good that is coming my way this year as well. I can feel it. I am surrounded by angels and I know there is so much magic coming my way.
I love you,
B